Mayor Holds Emergency Meeting to Chastise Parking Attendants


Someone needs to be fired
by Rod Inskalop

An unknown parking attendant has worked Mayor Jon Mitchell into a fervor and driven him to call an emergency “State of the Parking Union” address. What earned the ire of the Mayor was a parking meter that had clearly expired and yet was ignored by the many parking attendants that circulate the downtown area. “I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. As I’m descending the city hall steps to head towards my car, and I notice a meter count down and expire. I sat there for a full 40 seconds before an attendant arrived and did what the city of New Bedford pays him to do.”

Mitchell said he felt like taking care of the incident off the books by resorting to some kind of physical violence, but noticed passers-by and thought better of it. “Immediately, I thought of a nature special I was watching the night before. It was Shark Week and they showed one of the most aggressive sharks, the Bull shark, tearing and ripping a seal from limb to limb, leaving a bloody spill. Ghastly wounds. Body parts everywhere. Yeah, I want my parking attendants to be like this. I want them to treat every week like it’s Shark Week, especially around Holidays. Can you picture a Bull Shark waiting 40 seconds before he attacks a wounded seal? My point, exactly.”

Well said, Mr. Mayor.

NBG was given privileged access to the meeting, which was held behind closed doors. The atmosphere was a solemn one, that resembled a funeral. Every attendant in the city was present and all hung their heads low, staring at the floor in apparent shame at the slip-up. While the Mayor reprimanded and berated the entire group, he made several attempts to stink-eye the offending attendant, but guilt insured that his head never rose. You need pride to raise your head.

Mitchell had sage advice and inspiring words before dismissing the group. “I need each and every one of you parking attendants to feel like you are mini-mayors. That you are instrumental in generating revenue, so we can give ourselves raises. So we can build more parking meters. So we can buy more caviar. Notice the operative words “We can” in those sentences? That’s called inspiration. That’s what I do.”

The teary-eyed group, now re-charged with inspiration from the eloquent Mayor’s speech, assembled in a circle, clasped hands in the center before letting out the cheer “TEAM BULL SHARKS!”

About Rod Inskalop


  1. Who voted for this guy? Comparing a parking attendant to a shark tearing apart flesh?

    • I assume its more important to write out parking tickets than it is to allow drugs and crime to continue while our city’s finest drive around wasting taxpayers money just observing the obvious. But, the twenty dollar fine for expired meter is way more important because the officials get the benefits. This is pathetic and while crime,drugs,poverty rises Mr.Mayor is worried about his next raise…disgusting!

      • Thats a good response Ted, although maybe you should crack a law book before you assume what the police are justified doing and the ways they can apply the law for a proper prosecution. SPoken like a true “street lawyer” ted

  2. While I hope the writer took some artistic license, and while I hope that every City employee actually does the work they’re paid to do, this pretty much explains why people are rushing to our “Discover New Bedford” downtown area to shop, especially if they’re made to feel like prey for the rich sharks. Mister Mayor, City Councellors – GET A CLUE.

  3. Is he serious? Fleecing his constituents with fines for not putting in enough quarters in a meter. Wow.. If the City needs money that badly, why doesn’t he hire an independent forensic accountant to go over the City’s C.A.F.R.
    I am certain the city has extracted millions of extra dollars to bolster their “bond rating” and pay for programs that most of us abhor and keep it stashed away in perpetuity. Meanwhile Our home values have dropped and we are still getting taxed on the higher values. It turns my stomach to hear the “state” flexing its muscles against it’s own citizenry. We are not cash cows to be fleeced for money we just don’t have, nor are we criminals for forgetting to slip a quarter into a slot.

  4. I really don’t believe the Mayor said these words. The parking guys on the Avenue near my home definitely are doing their job. So much as they stare you down rather uncomfortably to see if you are going to put money or not. Obviously…I do. O well…

  5. Are you serious mayor, you sat there for 40 seconds, wow that just makes it clearer than water that you have way too much time on your hands, how can you talk about other people not doing what they get pay for when you were clearly not doing your job either and sat there for a “FULL 40 SECONDS”

  6. NB Guide…your attempt at satire FAILED completely….it seems you’ve actually got some people miffed at the mayor and the city with regards to the phony story. Please try to remember your audience and just stick to the usual REAL stories and commentary. Nobody got the joke! You should probably tell your readers that they missed the satire.

  7. Shocked at people's ignorance

    This article was pretty good. Unfortunately, the majority of the readers of NB Guide are blind to satire. They actually believe the mayor said these things. I don’t know if I should laugh at them for being so foolish or go in the corner and cry at the fact that there are such ignorant people in this city (and country). This is America..and it’s sad.

  8. I can’t believe people can’t recognize satire. Just so there is no misunderstanding, the story was a tall tale, in other words, it was made up to illustrate a point. It didn’t happen. How many other ways can I say it.

  9. kristine veenstra

    The Mayor should be worried more about the shootings, break-ins,drug sales and use. But why would he? He won’t get a raise if he concentrates on cleaning up the city. Time for a change of Mayor in New Bedford. If not New Bedford residents will never get anywhere and things will never change. The only one this Mayor cares about is himself. We need a Mayor that cares about the residents.

  10. HA! Wait til ya see the great PAINT JOB they did up RT 6 so there is NO parking and you can bet you a@@ they will be out ticketing in FULL FORCE! This is what happens when people IGNORE government.

  11. People Please!!!!!! he is a city official, its his and everybody else’s job to be aware!! you all complain about his 40 seconds he watched as a waste of time???? most of you are probably reading and responding from your work computers!!! come on people get back to work!!!

  12. This is obviously a very poor attempt at satire. I can’t believe how many people fell for it.

  13. All, this is a satire article that is NOT true. ” … satire is usually meant to be funny, its greater purpose is often constructive social criticism, using wit as a weapon and as a tool to draw attention to both particular and wider issues in society.”

    This is the complete opposite of Mayor Mitchell. Since he took office the money collected for parking revenue went DOWN for the first time in 6 years.

    It’s in the spirit of the Onion and meant to be comedy. This article and all future satire will all be placed into the ‘Rotten Scallop’ category.

  14. admin….you need to place a prominent retraction in a new NB Guide article. NO ONE GETS it!!!

  15. admin….you need to place a prominent retraction in a new NB Guide article. NO ONE GETS IT

  16. LULZ have been had!

    Epic satirical troll job is EPIC!!!!!!!!!!

    Maybe mister mayor and his city can remove heads from asses after the backlash lol.

    obviously this is satire to get the mayor and city to stop fleecing its residents !!!

  17. When I read the article, I could tell right away that it was a satirical piece.

    I also thought it was a fun read. I enjoy reading articles from The Onion and I took this article as such.

    I do understand that having this story mixed in with all of the other real stories could have caused some confusion. Having said that, I still think it’s fun and hope there are more stories down the road.

    Maybe take a page from The Onion and create a separate page called “The Quahog” to give it a more New Bedford feel to it. Hopefully that would make it less confusing.

  18. We’ll take you up on that offer Phil!

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